Hello, contentment...are you there?

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and hopefully I'm not the only one. For several years, probably since high school, I’ve felt like I’ve been measuring and marking my life by certain events. As if every life needs to follow a scripted, mapped out plan. Writing this post doesn’t mean I want to change “the plan,” but more how I view the plan and how I let it dictate my thoughts and actions.

I kind of look at my life like a scrapbook and it needs to have certain pictures in it. Not for anyone else, but for me to feel like I checked each box. The scrapbook, in my mind, once looked something like this: graduate from high school, go to college, met "the one", get engaged, graduate from college, start a job, get married, buy a house, have a baby, have another baby, have another baby, have another baby and maybe another baby or two :) ....then what? What do you wait and wish for next?

Obviously the above didn't go as planned. My scrapbook moments look more like this: graduated from high school, started college, found "the one", got engaged, got married, finally graduated from college, the house still hasn't come and we are still waiting for baby #1. I've spent so many years waiting, wishing and praying. Why do I put my life into such big milestones? Why can’t I live each day just for what it is and be happy with where I am right now?

My current contentment issue is with waiting on our Titus to come home. I just kind of feel like we’re waiting and praying and I’m becoming impatient. I knew stepping out into this journey there would be waiting. I just don't think I realized quite the emotions I would have to face. Right now, I need to just wait and see what the Lord wants me to do while I sit back, pray, and try to enjoy my life without my baby boy. So why am I doing this? Why am I thinking and planning so much rather than just being still and content in my wonderful little life as it is? Obviously, it's because I finally have a little one who is on the other side of the world. But, why can't I be content in the here and now? I am confident that He has a perfect plan for this time and I pray that I can be content and that God is using this time to prepare Titus, Kevin and me for His perfect timing.

Today, marks Titus' three month birthday and while I have uttered many prayers for him and his life especially today, my biggest prayer today is that I can find peace and contentment in Him, while I wait for Titus to come home. I am a Christian and a child of God and find so much fulfillment from my relationship with Him. I am very happy with my life. I can’t stress that enough. But I do feel like I’m always waiting for the next thing– and there may not be another “next big thing” for my life. There will be for my son’s life, but I’m hoping to not be one of those mamas that lives vicariously through her child’s life to find her happiness. I will be happy for him, but I don’t want his life events to become my identity. My identity and fulfillment are in Christ.